I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am midnight drunk by noon
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
