when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
