Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I touched a dick in church today
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize