Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
