I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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