I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
