Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize