i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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