foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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