she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
