You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize