DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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