According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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