Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
