I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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