when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
