So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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