watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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