I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
