Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
