If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
