lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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