I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
