i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
