i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
