You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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