DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
