Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
