Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
