I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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