You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
