He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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