Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
