It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
