I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize