Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
