He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
