you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
