Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
