I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
