I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
