The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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