Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
