I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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