Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
