i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
