I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
