You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize