Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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