so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
