rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
