PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
