new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
