Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
