When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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