I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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