Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize