I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
