Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
