I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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