I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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