She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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