Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
