I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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