So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
