i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
