i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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