You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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